The last place I sat

color-palettemint-carpet

Today while my kids where being oohed and aahed over at someone else’s house I got out and ran errands because running errands is a lot easier sans kids. On my way back home I got stuck in traffic. I could see it, stuck there in traffic. I could see the sign. I could see the building. It was beckoning to me. It might as well of been on fire.

The last place I saw my husband alive.

I had been wanting to go there, yearning actually, so even though I wasn’t planning on doing so at that moment I knew I’d never have a better opportunity and I turned. I parked and I went inside. I sat in the very spot I had sat in the last time I was there. On the ground in front of that black rug in front of the automatic doors. Right next to the wheel chair I couldn’t figure out how to open and the random, seemingly pointless, hand sanitizer machine.

Everything was exactly the same. Why wouldn’t it be? My life has turned completely upside-down, inside-out, sideways and back again (without actually going back) but that doesn’t mean the rest of the world has changed. I think that’s the most surreal thing about tragedy – life keeps going.

The last time I was in that spot I was with him. I watched him breathing. I listened to him and talked to him and touched him and kissed him. I sat, I stood, I knelled. Things happened. I sat on a bench outside when they took him away. I cried, I stopped, I pushed people, I spoke, I was silent, I was strong, I was crushed. I knew I wouldn’t hear him say, “I love you” again. They wouldn’t tell me, even when I begged, but I knew. I thought about my babies, how they would not remember him. It wasn’t fair. It couldn’t be true. They needed him. I needed him.

NO. No. No. No. No. No. NO!!!! NO. No. No. No. No. No. NO!!!! NO. No. No. No. No. No. NO!!!! NO. No. No. No. No. No. NO!!!! NO. No. No. No. No. No. NO!!!! NO. No. No. No. No. No. NO!!!! NO. No. No. No. No. No. NO!!!! NO. No. No. No. No. No. NO!!!!

I sat on that floor today for two hours. I sat on the bench and took selfies. Tears fell but mostly I just thought and stared. I was incredibly blessed to be there with him. I cherish that time. I cherish the details of that place. Those details are mine. They are all mine. And I am grateful. I am grateful for that place.

Being grateful helps heartache, even heartache over a heart attack.
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