When my husband died my whole world changed. I was sad for me and my kids but I was happy for him. I was sad and happy both at the same time. I’d never experienced that before in such velocity.
I felt like I’d entered another universe. I couldn’t figure out what was going on with me. My mind was different all of a sudden. Not only did my world change, I changed. The way I thought changed. I couldn’t explain it.
My mind would not slow down. I was stuck in hyperdrive. I couldn’t get enough: information, perspective, support. I needed more and more and more. I needed to share too. I couldn’t help it. I turned into a talker. I used people. I made mistakes. I had so many moments of clarity through it all. I grew. I found my inner strength. But I couldn’t stop questioning everything – I questioned everything. all. the. time.
I felt like my life was beautiful not despite the hard things but because of them. I felt like experiencing what I did made my life more meaningful. But how could that be? Such horrible thoughts.
The problem was that my old mind was still there, bugging the crap out of me. Telling me that these new thoughts were wrong and weird and I was going to be in need of a white straight jacket soon.
I came across this video tonight and suddenly I got it. I have entered another universe and it’s okay. I’m not going crazy. I’m just seeing green. I feel like for the first time since this all started I can finally relax. Completely. Fully. I can let my new mind do it’s thing. I can believe these new thoughts and these new ideas. I don’t have to fight them. I don’t have to question them. They aren’t wrong they are just different.
I am different. I am a different person today than I was four months ago. I like this person better. I don’t want to go back to the person I was. I like my new mind. I like my new take on the world. I’m done feeling awful and guilty about this. I’m going to embrace it and enjoy what happens.