I just want to stay up


My emotions and mind go a thousand miles an hour. There is always something to think about. My to-do list is slowly getting smaller but there is still always something to be done. I have a newborn and a toddler. There is always a baby to care for. All these things exhaust me.

But sometimes… I just want to stay up.

I want to stay up all night. I want to stay up so late that tomorrow doesn’t come and this life is over and I am with my husband again.

I want to be with him. I want to be with the person that I love the very most, the person that I call my best friend because he is and always will be. I want to be with my soul-mate, my one true love, my happily ever after. The father of my children. The one person who ‘gets’ me. I want to be with him. I want to be with him fully, in the flesh. I want to see him. I want to hug him and kiss him and lay on him and hold his hand. I want to talk to him. I want to listen to him. I want. I want. I want so hard.

When I’m weak and selfish and my mind isn’t right I would almost give anything to be with him. Luckily these moments are few and far between but I fear that will not always be the case. I fear the future when it comes to this because I don’t know how to prepare for it. I don’t know what to expect exactly. People keep telling me it will get worse. Apparently there is anger and denial and all kinds of awful things ahead of me. What do you think? Is it true? Is it inevitable? Can I avoid that?

One of the best things my mom taught me is that life isn’t fair. Life isn’t suppose to be fair. If life was fair we wouldn’t have a Savior. Repentance wouldn’t exist. We would all falter and eternal happiness would be out of our grasp. Cut off all of our arms and line them up. That’s no where near how out of grasp it would be.

I believe that we all knew this. We knew how our life here would go and we still choose to live it. We knew it would be worth it and it is. I believe we knew that God would support us. We knew that God would lift us up when we needed him the most and we’d be able to get through.

I’ve been getting though. My worst nightmare, I’ve been getting through it with God’s help. He and the prayers of hundreds of people have strengthened me. As the days pass the prayers will get less and less, the wings that have been holding me up will start to loose feathers but will I fall? Must I? I don’t know. I can’t be with my better half right now, not the way I’d like to, but can I stay up? Please. I just want to stay up. I want to stay bright in a world full of darkness.




  1. says

    I will continue to keep you and your beautiful family in my prayers. Even though you can’t physically hold or touch your husband…love him enough to know that he is in the hands of his Father. Your Father loves him even more than you do, and he is happy. You will be reunited some day and until then you can do all you can to teach your children what an amazing and wonderful father they had. Prayers for your strength to stay up, or to sleep with peace. Love, Ronda

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