An ocean filled with roses

Sometimes my emotions are so raw they feel like glass. I feel frozen. I feel like if I move I will surly get cut. If I look back and cry a shard will slice through my arm and cut off my hand. If I look forward and put on a smile a shard will slice through my leg and cut off my foot. But unfortunately life doesn’t allow us to stand still.

I must move. I must get cut. My head, my stomach, my back. Cuts everywhere in every direction. I must swim through an ocean filled with glass. Glass roses. They shatter and brake as I pass by. The pain is unbearable yet they are so glorious and gorgeous. Their ruby red and emerald green colors shining and shimmering all around me.

color-palettered-green-roses

It was two months ago to the day; July 12th. Two months ago on this day my husband, on recovery from his first heart attack, came down the stairs slowly and carefully. He was determined to do it right. We had two children now and he wanted to stick around as long as possible for them. For me.

In the past, every time he left the hospital he came back with a refreshed take on life, a renewed desire to live better and make healthier choices. This time he was more determined than ever. He was eating vegetables and avoiding sweets. He was drinking water and following his doctor’s orders to take it easy and refrain from lifting anything. I really believed these changes were going to be permanent. I really believed that his future was going to be filled with less pain and less hospital time.

He came down the stairs and doted on our babies complaining because he couldn’t properly play with them and love on them. Another couple glances their direction and he turned his attention to me. I was cleaning up in the kitchen. He walked over, stopped me, smiled his goofy smile, told me I was pretty and put his arms around me.

I’ve never felt completely safe, 100% alright, unless I was in those arms. I could hug him a million times a day and never get tired of it. It was my very favorite place to be. My whole life I had been unknowingly searching for those arms and when I found them I found home. I feel homeless now.

He moved closer and put his lips on mine. He kissed me like nothing else in the world mattered. I had just given birth nine days ago but he made me feel sexy. He made me feel beautiful and desirable… and then a few hours later he had a second heart attack while watching tv and died.

Not a day has gone by that I haven’t longed to have him back. It hurts in every way imaginable. I can’t hid in his arms anymore. I have no escape, no warm place to run to. There is no one left on this Earth to give me that lovesick smile, no one to tell me that I’m pretty. No one to take my breath away with one simple kiss. I don’t feel like the most important person in the world anymore. There is no one to call me their everything, their very self. I miss him. Good and bad. Silly and serious. I miss him more than anyone can possibly understand.

I’m always worried that I will forget, but this kind of love can not be forgotten. Now that he is gone I only love him more. I was born to love him. I will always, always, always love him. In two years… in twenty… forever. I will love him forever and ever and ever. He is eternally mine and I am eternally his.

Today was difficult but it got better when I decided to swim. I decided to stop fighting and just feel. I let the memories in. I let the tears fall. I let myself daydream of the future. I let the smiles come. I hugged my daughter as tight as I could and I sobbed until she started laughing and then I laughed with her. I covered my son with kisses. I told them both I loved them many, many times. I made it through because I had to.

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